When Friday was Friday

 There used to be a time that Friday was exciting. I mean, it still is but it just isn't as grand as it used to be. Of course as a child, it was a magical day of release from our tone segmented prison. As an up and coming, it meant Cruising down Main Street and pay day. Late night at Denny's. Eating giant ice cream sundaes at Silverman's.  As a young Mom it meant no dinner schedule or bedtime. There was always a dance party going on with the Littles on those nights.

Now, Friday is friday all day. I hoot and clap and say "Yay it's Friday" when someone says have a good weekend. But in the not so far back of my mind, I know it's payday.  That means we have to pay other people. That means my man is a big angry ball of stress. The weight of so many things that he could cast off to the side if he could allow his brain heart and soul to be caressed and at peace, would be earth moving for him. 

Friday still means that tomorrow is  Saturday but it doesn't really matter because, like M,T,W,TH, F, I still work. Please, don't get me wrong. I am so abundantly blessed by the amount of work that we have. I am not complaining that I have to work. I just. I just wish that My Little Loggie Pie had more company and stimulation.  I really often feel like such a bad mom for this kid. How can I say I'm a bad mom, when all I do is work to support us?  I need to be more available for him. My other 3 big ones are not here anymore. It's such  a nasty adjustment.  I see zach the most because he lives on the property. but the other two. I'm sure it will all get better but the waiting and seeing, watching and feeling....it's the pits. I wish someone of the three that are acting like ego enhanced hard headed stubborn goats would just realize.....hey i can help this situation. I said to my daughter, would someone just bend and not break, just bend dammit.  so annoying. She said she's not bending at all. But everyone misses each other and wants to see each other but no bending. 

My hard time that I thought i was having was actually me seeing all that is going on with my beautiful family, knowing how to fix it and not having anyone be able to hear and listen to me. I really felt it all, as is normal, but when I realized that it wasn't REALLY me feeling it all, it helped me move past the major shit piling up.   

Logan is schooling online now. So a homeschooler that is 11 is homeschooling by himself? It just eats me up. I hate not being here for him. Granted he's with his class all day, No ones here to listen for him if he needs anything. I pack his lunch so he doesn't have to scrounge for anything. Scott's friend says I need to learn how to manage both of them. I say fuck you dude. tell me to manage anything. When you manage your own life and aren't here mooching the fuck off of MY LIFE that We have worked so hard for, for so many years, then you can tell me how to manage mine.   Until then, a person who has no children no spouse, no house, no nothing can ABSOLUTELY has no room to talk to me. 

My dog just ate my couch. I'm quitting this day. 

In such a time as now.

In such a time as now- nothing is known. The current conditions of the world are fluid and no one knows what to expect. I anticipate life changing. and a lot of people not knowing how to live. I'm glad I'm crazy. I'm sure it will help in the transitioning.

How can life change so much and still be so much the same

Time after time after time I keep thinking....this will make it all different. And then....NOPE not different. Still the same. Different house, different people around, Different City, Different State. Same family (thank God) I think I'd go insane if I had to get to know family every time something changed.

One great thing about this particular change in my life is now I don't have a bunch of crazy ass Rose in laws to deal with. The one I do have is great and I'll keep her as long as she'll keep me. As for the others. Good Riddance. and don't let my foot kick you in the ass as you so disgustingly walk away from me.

There has to be something that needs to change in order for it not to stay the same. I so want a positive change in my family's life. I long for ease. I don't want it to come easy...I want to savor the effort and time that I put into the change...as a gift that I'm giving to my family and myself.

Change will come and I can't wait!!

---

HANDBOOK 2010

Health:
1. Drink plenty of water.
2. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a beggar.
3. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants..
4. Live with the 3 E's -- Energy, Enthusiasm and Empathy
5. Make time to pray.
6. Play more games
7. Read more books than you did in 2009 .
8. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day
9. Sleep for 7 hours.
10. Take a 10-30 minutes walk daily. And while you walk, smile.

Personality:
11. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
12. Don't have negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment.
13. Don't over do. Keep your limits.
14. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
15. Don't waste your precious energy on gossip.
16. Dream more while you are awake
17. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need..
18. Forget issues of the past. Don't remind your partner with His/her mistakes of the past. That will ruin your present happiness.
19. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. Don't hate others.
20. Make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present.
21. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.
22. Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn. Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away like algebra class but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime.
23. Smile and laugh more.
24. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree...

Society:
25. Call your family often.
26. Each day give something good to others.
27. Forgive everyone for everything..
28. Spend time w/ people over the age of 70 & under the age of 6.
29. Try to make at least three people smile each day.
30. What other people think of you is none of your business.
31. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.

Life:
32. Do the right thing!
33. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
34. GOD heals everything.
35. However good or bad a situation is, it will change..
36. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
37. The best is yet to come..
38. When you awake alive in the morning, thank GOD for it.
39. Your Inner most is always happy. So, be happy

heating up to a firey pit of doom

what an idiot I am. but you know what in desperate times we do desperate things. though, perhaps stealing zach's COZY would have been the better choice. I was freezing cold. chilled to the bones. and I mean it. it's Fing chilled to the max in here. I have the heat on, I have the fire going I'm still shaking from coldness so I decide, why not have a shot of captain. K. One shot, nothing still teeth ratteling shaking from bitter cold. (thank God I don't live in a cardboard box) so I have another shot. HELLOOOOO Stomach Acid!!! bubbling up. I can feel it. Its churning. creating the heat that only comes right before you ralph it all up in the cold disgusting toilet. :) ahhh such fun. I need to eat something fast and remind myself later why I don't really like drinking all that much anymore. Note to self: u feel like shit, but your fingers and toes plus your nose are nice and toasty warm!!! Good going asshole!!

the ways of the old year creeping up in the new year

I hate that people think that they need to change. Why do you want to think that you want to change if you really don't want to? It's just disappointing to the ones that love you. maybe too many limitations sour the whole resolution? Oh well. at least I know that I'm good with myself. Maybe not good with myself but good enough that I don't actually think to myself daily...I need to stop doing this. I had a good quiet night to myself. Actually a nice quiet day all the way. stupidity of little kids.???? Kids don't have the attention span of adults. They busted their asses today for a long time. like 2 hours? or maybe only hour n half. Then without adult supervision they strayed from their duties that kept dragging on and slacked. they were warned..they knew the consequences so I don't necessarily feel bad for them but I did have to keep my actions quick and words short and stern with them so I didn't show them that I felt bad for them. They see what we're talking about. they understand what they were punished for..hopefully they remember that they sat in their rooms from 2 till they went to bed. I want to see THE HANGOVER. This Aspen show is crazy. I'm going to bed though cuz schools in the morning. woops I didn't do the dishes that mr. clean suggested I didn't do earlier.

clueless

Im so clueless in fact that I didnt even know I have this blog! So today I find it, like what I initially wrote and now would love to find out how to find my friends so i can follow them!. I'm all stuffy nosed today. Logan can clap today. he just showed us today! i hope someone can come thru n help me not be a numb skull