There used to be a time that Friday was exciting. I mean, it still is but it just isn't as grand as it used to be. Of course as a child, it was a magical day of release from our tone segmented prison. As an up and coming, it meant Cruising down Main Street and pay day. Late night at Denny's. Eating giant ice cream sundaes at Silverman's. As a young Mom it meant no dinner schedule or bedtime. There was always a dance party going on with the Littles on those nights.
Now, Friday is friday all day. I hoot and clap and say "Yay it's Friday" when someone says have a good weekend. But in the not so far back of my mind, I know it's payday. That means we have to pay other people. That means my man is a big angry ball of stress. The weight of so many things that he could cast off to the side if he could allow his brain heart and soul to be caressed and at peace, would be earth moving for him.
Friday still means that tomorrow is Saturday but it doesn't really matter because, like M,T,W,TH, F, I still work. Please, don't get me wrong. I am so abundantly blessed by the amount of work that we have. I am not complaining that I have to work. I just. I just wish that My Little Loggie Pie had more company and stimulation. I really often feel like such a bad mom for this kid. How can I say I'm a bad mom, when all I do is work to support us? I need to be more available for him. My other 3 big ones are not here anymore. It's such a nasty adjustment. I see zach the most because he lives on the property. but the other two. I'm sure it will all get better but the waiting and seeing, watching and feeling....it's the pits. I wish someone of the three that are acting like ego enhanced hard headed stubborn goats would just realize.....hey i can help this situation. I said to my daughter, would someone just bend and not break, just bend dammit. so annoying. She said she's not bending at all. But everyone misses each other and wants to see each other but no bending.
My hard time that I thought i was having was actually me seeing all that is going on with my beautiful family, knowing how to fix it and not having anyone be able to hear and listen to me. I really felt it all, as is normal, but when I realized that it wasn't REALLY me feeling it all, it helped me move past the major shit piling up.
Logan is schooling online now. So a homeschooler that is 11 is homeschooling by himself? It just eats me up. I hate not being here for him. Granted he's with his class all day, No ones here to listen for him if he needs anything. I pack his lunch so he doesn't have to scrounge for anything. Scott's friend says I need to learn how to manage both of them. I say fuck you dude. tell me to manage anything. When you manage your own life and aren't here mooching the fuck off of MY LIFE that We have worked so hard for, for so many years, then you can tell me how to manage mine. Until then, a person who has no children no spouse, no house, no nothing can ABSOLUTELY has no room to talk to me.
My dog just ate my couch. I'm quitting this day.
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